“Hi, I was driving by and I saw your farm, I’ve always wanted to try unpasteurized milk…”
“We haven’t had any cows in years.”
“There’s a cow on your sign.”
“It’s a bit misleading, yes.”
“What do you do?”
“We’re a grain farm. Do you want a tour?”

So this guy took me for a tour of his grain farm, pointing out exactly how awesome each piece of machinery was. He gave me directions to a creamery and told me to hurry up, because they’re probably milking the cows pretty soon.

Eight crazed farm dogs charged me when I pulled into the driveway. I walked up to the house and knocked, where four more dogs and a ten year old girl came to the door.

“Uh, are your parents around?”
“I ain’t know where they at.”
“I mean, are they on the farm?”
“I don’t know. You can talk to Juan, he’s doing manure.”

Juan was riding a Bobcat through a herd of unamused livestock and their feces. I managed to flag him down, standing in an inch of poop behind a cow with an udder sac four times the size of my head. Juan didn’t speak a word of English, but after asking if I was immigration he dialed his boss and handed me the phone.

“Hi, so I’m on your farm, and I’d like to try some unpasteurized milk…”
“Ah well, I’m at the horse track. I don’t know where my wife is at. We can’t sell the stuff, but if I were there I’d certainly just give you some.”
“Okay, I’ll come back some other time.”
“No no, you ain’t came all the way out here for nothing. You go in that creamery there and take some cheese outta that big steel fridge. Just take some cheese, it’s free for you.”

So now I’m walking through the buildings on this farm, just taking stuff out of fridges, and nobody gives a shit but the dogs. Defeated but carrying free cheese, I stopped to pee. It took me a minute to realize I was surrounded by five mangled geese and I thought it was probably time to go home.

Spring soon. VROOM!